Reflections

It has been just one month since I started blogging and many times I have wondered, "why in the world am I doing this"? There are always a million other things, it seams, that could be more important to accomplish with my time I think. It even causes some anxiety. I worry that I'll say something I shouldn't, that my grammar will be incorrect, or that what I think is funny really isn't. I tell myself, "I don't have time for this, it is such a waste", and often I provide enough evidence for myself that I think I should stop.

Then I remember how good it feels to make people laugh, even if it is through exposing my weaknesses and faults or......maybe just my realness. It feels good, really good, to know that someone has stopped during their day to laugh and I've had a part in it.

If you asked the average person, "is it possible to be perfect"? I think they would answer rather quickly and without thinking much, "of course not". However, I believe that the average person still expects some level of perfection for themselves. We always seem to set our goals just outside of what is possible for us to reach including our housekeeping, organization, physical appearance, work performance, and the list goes on and on. If we near the goal we push it farther out of reach. If we happen to reach the goal we often look back and reflect on how it could have been achieved quicker or better. Living with this mentality breeds dissatisfaction. We then try to fill this void in unhealthy ways like buying, eating, working harder, and once again the list goes on and on.

There's something about exposing my weaknesses that helps me except my realness as a satisfactory goal. While I do think it is important to take pride in your physical self, finding peace with your reality is challenging. When I post a picture of myself in my bathrobe, glasses, and morning hair, it is forcing me to say "this is me, and it is good enough, and I'm comfortable in my skin despite not showing my best facade". Sophia (11) was confused and said, "mommy, they won't know you are beautiful"? She wouldn't understand if I said, "that's my point, I'm working on being brave and confident inside".

When I discuss my anger and frustration it helps me realize that often the culprit is me #1 forgetting what it is like to live life as child and being impatient or #2 struggling with my failure of not reaching my goal of perfection. Just the recognition in itself is curbing the behavior.

When you read and hopefully relate, I hope you laugh at yourself and not just me. I hope you give yourself a break and permission to be good enough. I hope that reflecting with me will help you accept and enjoy reality vs trying to make life something it can never be...PERFECT. I don't want us to miss out on a wonderful life because we are too busy and caught up in trying to create PERFECT when IMPERFECT is easier to love, because it reminds us of ourselves.

Through writing I am learning to see more clearly what really matters to me, what I want my life ultimately to be, and how I am influencing those around me. I'm relaxing a little more, feeling a little less stress, and trying to remember life as a child and not wanting to rush it for my own. I am finding myself holding hugs longer and soaking up smiles til I have one myself.

So when you read my silly blog I hope you get a laugh....but maybe sometimes more. For now, I will keep on writing. I still have things I need to understand and I've found a way for me to learn.

To be loved if...or to be loved because...is love full of uneasy stipulations.

However, to be loved in-spite of...creates a humbling peace and feeling of being accepted as good enough.